damn, that felt good...

oh the smell,

when she opened the door, the smell of stale dog urine and other extriment hit her like a ton of bricks. yeah she was sure it was more than likely more shades of illegal for her to step into that house but the curiostiy killed the cat. For months everyone in the neighborhood had silently wondered what exactly was going on in that house. And on daily bases the story became more and more strange. There was a mom and teenage son living there with the mom's boyfriend, but then suddenly the boyfriend was gone and the mom was only home at odd hours at night. NOone was really sure as to what the mom did for living, but for a while she seemed to maintain her life. Her son was very obviously selling drugs of some sort to support his own habits. There were times when the steady stream of cars coming and going from their house became too much for the neighbors. there were times when tense words were said and the stream abated, only to start again later. And so it went ebb and flow, some deals being made out in public. what never quite stopped were the speculations about the conditions inside this home. Most neighbors would pray that it was not so bad maybe just a little messy but nothing that some hard cleaning could not fix. There were however the few that had actually witnessed what really was going on. Now that all was said and done, and the house was totally abandoned, the truth could be revealed. The first strong odor that her nose recognized was the stale smell of dog urine. The exact location of this offender was not clear but it seemed to be oozing from every inch of the tiled floor. the next offender was the stale smell of trash and rotting food. Her addrenalin rushed brain reminded her to be careful of the possibility that there would be piles of dog crap waiting to be stepped in. With heart beating faster, she held on to the wall to navigate between the mounds. The floor underneath her was slippery and tretcherous. wondering exactly how she woud explain her presence here if anyone should come in, she made her way into the kitchen. There were mounds of unwashed dishes along with rotting food and dirty coffe mugs. she could hear the roaches scurring around and by now her nose was sending off warning signals that it had about had its fill of these possible bio hazards. she then made her way into where the living room once had been. Now it was just another room full of trash, dirty plates and empty beer bottles. Under the layers of trash she could feel and see more urine and crap that the poor dogs who once had inhabited this home had left it. Living room had once held a beautiful sectional couch, a big screen TV, nice arm chairs and a dinette. Now, everything was full of trash, dirty and worn. something inside her promted her to start walking towards the stairs. the stairs were still covered with carpet that at one point may have been brown. Now they were just one huge spot of dog urine. The smell was almost overpowering. Her adrenaline was starting to wear off and her lungs were begging for some fresh air. stumbling, but terminded she made her way upstairs, dogging the lakes and lakes of dog urine and whatever else was spilled on the dingy carpet. The bedrooms were equally trashed with mounds and mounds of dog crap separated by lakes of dog urine. Now her lungs were in emergency mode, struggling to give her oxygen. Now feeling light headed, she ran downstairs, hoping to get out of this horrible home before her lungs gave out.

When the daylight and fresh air finally filled her eyes and her lungs both stung from the suddness of it all. careful to close to door behind her, she ran as fast as her trembling legs would take her away from this horrible place. while running she wondered how it was possible for someone to spend any lenght of time in that home. and how exactly did things get so bad.

yeah that was graceful

oh dear.... that was not graceful at all. so my other kids have been with us for their summer visitations for almost 2 weeks now. everything has been great and wonderful, no major hickups no major blowups, just everyday normal things. in my head i have been saying wow, this is easy. wellllll... umm yeah. Both scott and i strongly believe in setting boundries and enforcing them. Sometimes we are succesful and sometimes we are not. But at least we try. scott set a boundry for the little ones to be in bed be 10pm. and went to bed himself at 9.30. so at 10 i say ok little girlies it is time for bed. and it becomes 1hr and 21 minute conversation with our 8 year old. now granted i realize that my expectation of her is different from her moms. she goes to bed with watching tv at home... i kinda get that... but i dont get why. and i was nice i told her she could take her ds with her and play upstairs with it. she kept saying that noone understood her and that she did not like their bedroom. argh..... finally after hour and twenty minutes she stomped upstairs and sat in aliinas little chair. i am glad scott did not walk downstairs at that time because it would have just started another argument that i could not win. arghhhhh

i love my kids but sometimes i pray that i could maybe be more than just a stepmom they can disgard. anyway off to bed.....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

today is the day....

today i declear myself free of the chains of my past.  No matter what the negative thoughts or opinions are that people from my past possess.  Those opinions are not always based on reality, therefor cannot be given any amount of credibility.  it is impossible to continue to move forward in life if the only thing one keeps looking at is the past.  The only way to let go of anger is to let it go.  i cannot change the person alex is.  I cannot make his mother grow the ability to think for herself.  I can however change the way i act toward them.  i can allow myself to stop trying to live up to their expectations of me.  They expect me to react to their incendiary remarks exactly the way i have.  they say those things because they know it gets to me.  Because those remarks will ring in my head for days and i will spend countless hours conjuring up different defences to convince them of my innocence.  Only not one person will listen to my well thought out defences because only i am still standing there begging to be heard.  i am not a bad mother.  i am doing everything i can to provide a better life for my kids.  i dont live off of the child support that is suppose to be send to the kids.  i work for living and i pay my bills.  

well....

ok so why cant some people just grow up?  the sperm donor is really creating havoc in my life.  we have not gotten any child support at all since december.  so why would that matter you may ask? well i dont know about you but not having the 500 dollars a month after awhile just becomes annoying.  its more than annoying.  its downright infuriating.  why does he think he can get a way with this? or why does he think its ok to try to get around the system?oh yeah because he is a slick willy... argh.. 

well then

well then..

This is my first try at blogging.  Not sure how often i will get a chance to get on here and update but i would like this to become a place my family can come and read updates about our life and see pics too.  my family is very scattered all over the world, so this might be something we can all use.  now, let me just say that i have never done this before so i am not really sure exactly what to do.  But you never learn if you never try right? So lets see what happens.  

any way 

thanks for stoppping by.