open letter to my stepmom,

I will only approach this subject this one time... Never before have i tried to approach you... Nor will i ever try again. You need to know..... i thought i had left this behind, moved forward... but before i do.... i need to finish up some unfinished business...

First and formost... i dont possess the time and the effort it takes to deal with our family.... or what passes as our familiy. Family is suppose to be like a tree.... it takes root and and grows, with each kid the tree grows a branch.. with each year the tree gets stronger and taller..... and as the years pass the tree grows into supportive environment with each grandkid yet another branch develops. noone is left behind, noone is frowned upon. I realize, this may be a concept you dont agree with.... thats the beauty of it, you dont have to.... noone does.
you and i are really not that different,....... we both know what we want and are not affraid to go after it... the difference is i do my best not to hurt others in going after what i want.... i dont feel a need to be mean just because i can. Please understand, i also have stepdaughters..... I have felt very insecure, because they have a special place in scotts heart and mind..... but never would it cross my mind, to ever try to drive a wedge between them and their dad. Dads and daughters have a very special bond, that lasts forever......
For some reason you have always thought you had to make sure that dad only had time for you. i was the one you felt threatened by me..... i dont know why.... maybe because i represent something you felt that could threaten your life.... I always use to think that my mom deserved everything you had gotten without really having to do much.... you had always depeneded on dad to take care of you.... that way you didnot have to do anything other than just be..... now i am glad that its you who has deal..... not my mom....
you always found it easier to kick me, than to be kind....... even if it was not physically kicking me, verbally or mentally... somewhere along the line you learned that you did have to respect my feelings so you decided to use it to your advatange.... in your mind, who would ever believe someone who is known to be dramatic, who would listen to someone who does not believe in herself... over and over year after year we kept doing the same things over and over..... and each time i wondered why you enjoy seeing someone angry and hurt..... and i realized only recently that in causing hurt and anger you are in control...... because you get to control the person you have hurt... you never said outloud that i was not wanted, but your actions spoke louder than any words...........
different people are good at different things.... being a father is not something dad is ever been good at, nor will he ever be...... its not important to him or maybe it is... just not more important than doing only what he wants to do..... somewhere along the line, being a dad was something he just never understood or cared to understand. instead of helping him grow into the role you re-enforced that he did not really have to take care of what he did not want. And that it was ok to just leave someone that he was suppose to love and support behind because it was not his idea and it was not the "right" time... Honestly, there are very few times in life there is the"right" time. Usually people make adjustments and move forward..... but... not you and dad..... you helped him cement his belief that he was entitled to just walk away from his responsibilites.... that it was ok because he never wanted that anyway...... because he never wanted to be ordenary.... as if being that is soo bad.... instead of helping him to grow and understand that being a father is so much more than just making a baby...
you finally get to exactly what you always wanted... to have dad all to yourself.... no kids anywhere.... only you and him.... alone on a tropical island... no responsibilities, no expectations just pure and unteathered freedom....no little hands or big hands reaching for you..... nooone needing you.... being needed should make you feel good, because you are useful, instead you feel put-upon..... you feel like when someone relies on you that makes you weak..... instead of being grateful that you are needed...... i dont why its so bad......... but.... we all makes choices... and we all have to live with those choices.... you cannot always re-invent ourselves when things dont work exactly how you thought they would..... and you tend to do that..... when things get tough, instead of toughing it out, you walk away.... because its easier that way..... that way you get to exactly what you want.... how you want and when you want..... maybe its hard for you because you never had an example of what a family should be.... and i should probably be more supportive of your choices...... just wondering how many more times you decide that now you want to be the total opposite of what you were before...... people base their opinion of you based on who they see you being..... when you say one thing and do totally another, when every few months what you once presented as your opinion, now it totally contradicted... it makes it almost impossible to figure you out.. and not being able to figure out who you are causes someone huge amount stress..... because with every interaction, you change who you are...... and what you stand for and what you believe in changes......
i wish i could make sense of this... but i cannot.... we are not a tree growing up higher adding one branch at the time.... we are just a pack of wolves turning on each other at the end of a long winter.... we pass each other in the woods and bare our teeth as we show others that they are not wanted......
it should not be so hard to be a family.... it should not hurt so much to love someone.... it should not be so difficult to understand.... it should not be so hard to find ourselves saying goodbye.... as we stand here... i wish i could tell you that everything is ok and that you have tried to do the best you could.... with what you had.... not having had some sort of father figure to model yourself after.... the only way you feel strong or valued is to be different than what everyone else does or expects you to do..... maybe i wish i could have one more day.... one more time to be able to get past all the crap we both have build in our respective heads.... just for once i would love to see the real you... the unfiltered you... i wish i knew who you actually are... and what you actually stand for.... so that i can finally understand where some of my own issues and feeling come from... i want to find some similarities... something that i can say... yup thats why i feel this way because my dad does this.... or he thinks this way too..... i realize that it may never happen..... because its not something you dont care about or is even important to you.... i wish i could reach accross the vastness of the emptiness we are being falling into and tell you i have forgiven you... i dont know i can.... or if i even know where to start..... or if i should..... i wish i could tell you that i love you and mean it..... i wish i could accept you for who you are i wish i could figure you out..... i wish i could understand... i wish i could love you for who you are...... i want to know who you are...... what you stand for what you believe what you are passionate about... i wish........
i have never ever said any of those things to anyone ever...... because acknowledging that there were issues is to acknowledge that things are not perfect.... i dont want perfect... i just want peace.... i want normalcy....... i want to love and honor my parents...... and right now i am struggling with this......

i dont know what i am going to say to you when i see you.... i want to be honest with myself and with you..... i dont want to stress you during your already stressful time..... and thats why i am conflicted and scared... because i should be happy that you are embarking on another adventure....... i should be supporting you and encouraging you to raise to your challenge... but i dont have it in me....