open letter to my stepmom,

I will only approach this subject this one time... Never before have i tried to approach you... Nor will i ever try again. You need to know..... i thought i had left this behind, moved forward... but before i do.... i need to finish up some unfinished business...

First and formost... i dont possess the time and the effort it takes to deal with our family.... or what passes as our familiy. Family is suppose to be like a tree.... it takes root and and grows, with each kid the tree grows a branch.. with each year the tree gets stronger and taller..... and as the years pass the tree grows into supportive environment with each grandkid yet another branch develops. noone is left behind, noone is frowned upon. I realize, this may be a concept you dont agree with.... thats the beauty of it, you dont have to.... noone does.
you and i are really not that different,....... we both know what we want and are not affraid to go after it... the difference is i do my best not to hurt others in going after what i want.... i dont feel a need to be mean just because i can. Please understand, i also have stepdaughters..... I have felt very insecure, because they have a special place in scotts heart and mind..... but never would it cross my mind, to ever try to drive a wedge between them and their dad. Dads and daughters have a very special bond, that lasts forever......
For some reason you have always thought you had to make sure that dad only had time for you. i was the one you felt threatened by me..... i dont know why.... maybe because i represent something you felt that could threaten your life.... I always use to think that my mom deserved everything you had gotten without really having to do much.... you had always depeneded on dad to take care of you.... that way you didnot have to do anything other than just be..... now i am glad that its you who has deal..... not my mom....
you always found it easier to kick me, than to be kind....... even if it was not physically kicking me, verbally or mentally... somewhere along the line you learned that you did have to respect my feelings so you decided to use it to your advatange.... in your mind, who would ever believe someone who is known to be dramatic, who would listen to someone who does not believe in herself... over and over year after year we kept doing the same things over and over..... and each time i wondered why you enjoy seeing someone angry and hurt..... and i realized only recently that in causing hurt and anger you are in control...... because you get to control the person you have hurt... you never said outloud that i was not wanted, but your actions spoke louder than any words...........
different people are good at different things.... being a father is not something dad is ever been good at, nor will he ever be...... its not important to him or maybe it is... just not more important than doing only what he wants to do..... somewhere along the line, being a dad was something he just never understood or cared to understand. instead of helping him grow into the role you re-enforced that he did not really have to take care of what he did not want. And that it was ok to just leave someone that he was suppose to love and support behind because it was not his idea and it was not the "right" time... Honestly, there are very few times in life there is the"right" time. Usually people make adjustments and move forward..... but... not you and dad..... you helped him cement his belief that he was entitled to just walk away from his responsibilites.... that it was ok because he never wanted that anyway...... because he never wanted to be ordenary.... as if being that is soo bad.... instead of helping him to grow and understand that being a father is so much more than just making a baby...
you finally get to exactly what you always wanted... to have dad all to yourself.... no kids anywhere.... only you and him.... alone on a tropical island... no responsibilities, no expectations just pure and unteathered freedom....no little hands or big hands reaching for you..... nooone needing you.... being needed should make you feel good, because you are useful, instead you feel put-upon..... you feel like when someone relies on you that makes you weak..... instead of being grateful that you are needed...... i dont why its so bad......... but.... we all makes choices... and we all have to live with those choices.... you cannot always re-invent ourselves when things dont work exactly how you thought they would..... and you tend to do that..... when things get tough, instead of toughing it out, you walk away.... because its easier that way..... that way you get to exactly what you want.... how you want and when you want..... maybe its hard for you because you never had an example of what a family should be.... and i should probably be more supportive of your choices...... just wondering how many more times you decide that now you want to be the total opposite of what you were before...... people base their opinion of you based on who they see you being..... when you say one thing and do totally another, when every few months what you once presented as your opinion, now it totally contradicted... it makes it almost impossible to figure you out.. and not being able to figure out who you are causes someone huge amount stress..... because with every interaction, you change who you are...... and what you stand for and what you believe in changes......
i wish i could make sense of this... but i cannot.... we are not a tree growing up higher adding one branch at the time.... we are just a pack of wolves turning on each other at the end of a long winter.... we pass each other in the woods and bare our teeth as we show others that they are not wanted......
it should not be so hard to be a family.... it should not hurt so much to love someone.... it should not be so difficult to understand.... it should not be so hard to find ourselves saying goodbye.... as we stand here... i wish i could tell you that everything is ok and that you have tried to do the best you could.... with what you had.... not having had some sort of father figure to model yourself after.... the only way you feel strong or valued is to be different than what everyone else does or expects you to do..... maybe i wish i could have one more day.... one more time to be able to get past all the crap we both have build in our respective heads.... just for once i would love to see the real you... the unfiltered you... i wish i knew who you actually are... and what you actually stand for.... so that i can finally understand where some of my own issues and feeling come from... i want to find some similarities... something that i can say... yup thats why i feel this way because my dad does this.... or he thinks this way too..... i realize that it may never happen..... because its not something you dont care about or is even important to you.... i wish i could reach accross the vastness of the emptiness we are being falling into and tell you i have forgiven you... i dont know i can.... or if i even know where to start..... or if i should..... i wish i could tell you that i love you and mean it..... i wish i could accept you for who you are i wish i could figure you out..... i wish i could understand... i wish i could love you for who you are...... i want to know who you are...... what you stand for what you believe what you are passionate about... i wish........
i have never ever said any of those things to anyone ever...... because acknowledging that there were issues is to acknowledge that things are not perfect.... i dont want perfect... i just want peace.... i want normalcy....... i want to love and honor my parents...... and right now i am struggling with this......

i dont know what i am going to say to you when i see you.... i want to be honest with myself and with you..... i dont want to stress you during your already stressful time..... and thats why i am conflicted and scared... because i should be happy that you are embarking on another adventure....... i should be supporting you and encouraging you to raise to your challenge... but i dont have it in me....

this is not real....

his is not real!!! she screamed in her head.  This cannot have happened... how could this really have had happened??? They will figure out that that this really did not happen and they will have to let me go... she rationalized to herself.   She laid down on the narrow bench provided for her in the holding area and closed her eyes.

The images of her day before and after kept running through her head like a homemade movie, over and over and each time she had to try to convince herself that ending would change the next time around... only it did not.  the same ending.... Her standing at the top of the  bridge span, staring into the dark choppy waters, unable authenticate what she just witnessed.  She was shaking almost uncontrollably.  

  She had spend a day with her two brothers and sister-in-law.  They had sat around, watched the game, drank and ate the best homemade spagetti dinner.  The alcohol seemed so inconcequential that none of them kept track... Plus the food would absorb it anyway and she would  be good to go.  She told her self she had to be more careful, having had gotten two traffic tickets in the last 3 months made it financially hard for a while.  Being an artist was hard to start with, but in this economy it was almost impossible.  So having to pay off the tickets, or actually explaining to her parents why they should help her had made her life interesting to say the least.  She stayed later to help with cleanup and dishes,  because she liked feeling she was helpful for once........ Instead of being the needy one.  She kissed her brother who was passed out in his easy chair, hugged his wife and wished she could levitate home.  As she was driving down the deserted highway, the alcohol seemed to make its presents known all at once and suddenly.  She felt dizzy and tired.  Her eyelids became  almost unbearably heavy.  feebly she kept wetting her eyes to make them function normally again. The alcohol was coursing through her veins, sending tingles trough all of her  body, from her stomach down to her feet and up her arms.  franticaly she rolled down all her windows in vain hope that the ice cold air would jolt her back to reality.  She blasted her radio as loud as her speakers would let her.   She wanted to get home.  She wished she had stayed at her brothers. She would be in bed, sleeping off the horrible buzz she was now sporting.   oh please please let me get home.  She was so wrapped up in trying to stay awake, she had no time to react to what was about to happen next.  

Her husband told her he loved her and asked her to be please be careful... And to make sure her seatbelt was on... She told him she would be there in 20 min and hung up the phone.  She didnot like the idea of  being on the phone and driving at the same time.  She chuckled as she said outloud, i am old school, two hands on the wheel and eyes on the road.  She was tired, ready to get home.  Her boys were her life, she just wanted more than anything in this world, to hug them and to kiss them good night.  She turned on her radio as she pulled onto the interstate. Just a few more minutes, over the bridge and she would almost be home. She felt happy and light.  She loved her life, her family and her work.  Life was good.  In her head she was making plans for tomorrow, to get up, to go to church, breakfast and the relax with her boys... She loved being the only one on the road.... she felt like it was  built just for her.... The suddenly, headlights appeard in her rear view mirror... Before she fully realized what they were, the little car was approaching at a very high rate of speed. She could feel her heart skip a beat..... her hands turned cold and clammy...  She grabbed the wheel even harder, as if holding on to it would help her brace for the impact.  The next time she looked up the little car was right behind her, almost touching her bumper..... she screamed and cried at the same time......The little cars engine started to make threatening noices as if it was revving up.  She tried to motion the car to move along as if to apologize for being in its way.  But the little car just kept getting closer and closer.   

Why cant this stupid truck get out of my way>>> she screamed...... I just want to get home.  please please i dont want to hurt you but if you dont hurry the hell up i will have to push you... The alcohol was totally skewing what she would rationally think... her foot suddenly had a life of its own.... and pushed down on the pedal even harder....... The bumper of the slow poke was getting closer and closer.... the driver was waving and motiong, but for some reason her boozing brain refused to send a message to her foot to lay off... i just want to get home she whispered.... please get in the other lane... This is the fast lane.. and i am going fast... please mooooovveeee.... but the truck would not move the driver was frightened, and pale..... but her foot was still on the gas pedal.... and would not move.... she was screaming again... I JUST WANT TO GET HOME!!!!! GO IN THE OTHER LANE!!!! but the driver in front just kept waving her arms around without geting the point.... t

The first impact was not as hard as she had thought..... just a jolt...... the second was harder, and spun the SUV around.... The frightened driver tried in vain to correct the truck back on the road.  But in doing so she accidentally over corrected.... the suv hit the guardrail and flipped on its roof.... it spun like a top faster and faster picking up speed with each rotation.  With each rotation the truck edged closer and closer to the side of the bridge............. then suddenly, the suv was gone.... and all that was left was the air full of smoke from the metal grinding against the blacktop.  she pulled her car to the side of the bridge.... and with much effort looked over the side of the bridge.... there was absolutely no sign on the truck....if not for the bubbles coming up she could swear this never happened.... So she decided to get back into her car and drive home..... thats where she was heading and thas where she would go.... She could hear the voices of passers by who had suddenly happenen to drive by or witness first hand what had just taken place.  She jumped back into her car and drove off... The whole way home she kept repeating this did not happen.... this is not happening... 

When the car hit her car her first reaction was to try to pull away........ then she realized that her car was spinning and she was on top of the bridge.  She screamed when the car hit her again, the force of the collision this time forcing the wheel out of her hands.... she said her final prayer and send a kiss to her angels and her husband.... Then everything went silent and dark..  

What the heck was wrong with this lady??? why is she trying to take off??? she just hit that poor ladys trick sending it over the bridge and now she is trying to leave.... hey lady!!! where do you think you are going?????? no ma'am you need to stay until the police gets here.... no give me the keys... you cannot take off.... you...................

Why are these people following me? this did not happen... i imagined it... my  brain concoced  it... i had too much to drink last night... hhaahahahha that would be trip... a car going over the top of the bridge....that does not happen..... why cant they just let me be... what are all these cop cars doing that way????? there must ba real bad one back there... i just want to get home... i just want to get home....   ijust want to get home.....

so i had a health scare today...

so today i had a health scare.  my monthly is now more than 2 weeks late..... and i knew this was not going to end well.... i was sitting at work and around 9 my right side just started to hurt...... like someone was pulling my right ovary over my right hip and there was weights on either side.  only those weights were uneven.   i tried to stay at work but by 11am it was very clear i had a very short time to get home.  so i left on un-planned time. i remember getting into my car, and thinking that the pain was not going away...... i have a vague memory of driving and screaming at the slow driver in front of me who was going 25 mph in 45. and i remember thinking that if i did not get home soon i would fade out..... with sheer will power i made it home... i called scott and told him i was home.... after trying to find a comfortable spot downstairs i finally managed to crawl upstairs....... i must have laid down on my bed and then i fell into the comforting darkness......
about an 2 hrs later i woke up to my husbands friend frantically banging on our front door screaming out my name.....not sure at all how long he had been doing that.... i had no idea how long i had laid there.. or how i go to my bed... my last memory is telling scott i was home....
i should disclose i have had overian cysts 3 times before.... maybe 4.... 3 times they have exploded and the pain was so severe that i was rushed to the hospital because i was crawled up into a ball and could not move for more than three hours..... i spent about 6 hrs in our local hospital but the doctors could not figure out what it was even after running every single test they could think of... only a year later did another doctor in another country figure out what was wrong with me... ok so at least there was a name and i was not going crazy...............
so now almost 16 years later, the same pain the same fear.... and really really scary reminder......

damn, that felt good...

oh the smell,

when she opened the door, the smell of stale dog urine and other extriment hit her like a ton of bricks. yeah she was sure it was more than likely more shades of illegal for her to step into that house but the curiostiy killed the cat. For months everyone in the neighborhood had silently wondered what exactly was going on in that house. And on daily bases the story became more and more strange. There was a mom and teenage son living there with the mom's boyfriend, but then suddenly the boyfriend was gone and the mom was only home at odd hours at night. NOone was really sure as to what the mom did for living, but for a while she seemed to maintain her life. Her son was very obviously selling drugs of some sort to support his own habits. There were times when the steady stream of cars coming and going from their house became too much for the neighbors. there were times when tense words were said and the stream abated, only to start again later. And so it went ebb and flow, some deals being made out in public. what never quite stopped were the speculations about the conditions inside this home. Most neighbors would pray that it was not so bad maybe just a little messy but nothing that some hard cleaning could not fix. There were however the few that had actually witnessed what really was going on. Now that all was said and done, and the house was totally abandoned, the truth could be revealed. The first strong odor that her nose recognized was the stale smell of dog urine. The exact location of this offender was not clear but it seemed to be oozing from every inch of the tiled floor. the next offender was the stale smell of trash and rotting food. Her addrenalin rushed brain reminded her to be careful of the possibility that there would be piles of dog crap waiting to be stepped in. With heart beating faster, she held on to the wall to navigate between the mounds. The floor underneath her was slippery and tretcherous. wondering exactly how she woud explain her presence here if anyone should come in, she made her way into the kitchen. There were mounds of unwashed dishes along with rotting food and dirty coffe mugs. she could hear the roaches scurring around and by now her nose was sending off warning signals that it had about had its fill of these possible bio hazards. she then made her way into where the living room once had been. Now it was just another room full of trash, dirty plates and empty beer bottles. Under the layers of trash she could feel and see more urine and crap that the poor dogs who once had inhabited this home had left it. Living room had once held a beautiful sectional couch, a big screen TV, nice arm chairs and a dinette. Now, everything was full of trash, dirty and worn. something inside her promted her to start walking towards the stairs. the stairs were still covered with carpet that at one point may have been brown. Now they were just one huge spot of dog urine. The smell was almost overpowering. Her adrenaline was starting to wear off and her lungs were begging for some fresh air. stumbling, but terminded she made her way upstairs, dogging the lakes and lakes of dog urine and whatever else was spilled on the dingy carpet. The bedrooms were equally trashed with mounds and mounds of dog crap separated by lakes of dog urine. Now her lungs were in emergency mode, struggling to give her oxygen. Now feeling light headed, she ran downstairs, hoping to get out of this horrible home before her lungs gave out.

When the daylight and fresh air finally filled her eyes and her lungs both stung from the suddness of it all. careful to close to door behind her, she ran as fast as her trembling legs would take her away from this horrible place. while running she wondered how it was possible for someone to spend any lenght of time in that home. and how exactly did things get so bad.

yeah that was graceful

oh dear.... that was not graceful at all. so my other kids have been with us for their summer visitations for almost 2 weeks now. everything has been great and wonderful, no major hickups no major blowups, just everyday normal things. in my head i have been saying wow, this is easy. wellllll... umm yeah. Both scott and i strongly believe in setting boundries and enforcing them. Sometimes we are succesful and sometimes we are not. But at least we try. scott set a boundry for the little ones to be in bed be 10pm. and went to bed himself at 9.30. so at 10 i say ok little girlies it is time for bed. and it becomes 1hr and 21 minute conversation with our 8 year old. now granted i realize that my expectation of her is different from her moms. she goes to bed with watching tv at home... i kinda get that... but i dont get why. and i was nice i told her she could take her ds with her and play upstairs with it. she kept saying that noone understood her and that she did not like their bedroom. argh..... finally after hour and twenty minutes she stomped upstairs and sat in aliinas little chair. i am glad scott did not walk downstairs at that time because it would have just started another argument that i could not win. arghhhhh

i love my kids but sometimes i pray that i could maybe be more than just a stepmom they can disgard. anyway off to bed.....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

today is the day....

today i declear myself free of the chains of my past.  No matter what the negative thoughts or opinions are that people from my past possess.  Those opinions are not always based on reality, therefor cannot be given any amount of credibility.  it is impossible to continue to move forward in life if the only thing one keeps looking at is the past.  The only way to let go of anger is to let it go.  i cannot change the person alex is.  I cannot make his mother grow the ability to think for herself.  I can however change the way i act toward them.  i can allow myself to stop trying to live up to their expectations of me.  They expect me to react to their incendiary remarks exactly the way i have.  they say those things because they know it gets to me.  Because those remarks will ring in my head for days and i will spend countless hours conjuring up different defences to convince them of my innocence.  Only not one person will listen to my well thought out defences because only i am still standing there begging to be heard.  i am not a bad mother.  i am doing everything i can to provide a better life for my kids.  i dont live off of the child support that is suppose to be send to the kids.  i work for living and i pay my bills.